adoptive families

The poetically painful, yet often unspoken, moments in one adoptee's adoption experience


The Language of Blood by Jane Jeong Trenka explores the painful moments in an adoptee’s experience that are often overlooked, underplayed, or ignored. The author shares some of her innermost thoughts and feelings growing up in Minnesota as a transracial and transnational adoptee with her biological sister who was also adopted by a Minnesota couple. The memoir traverses the landscape of Korea and Minnesota, and the author’s Korean birth family and Minnesota adoptive family with care and frankness that some readers may find uncomfortable, especially adoptive parents. The author’s recounting of her frustrating and disheartening experiences with post-adoption support services through Lutheran Social Services MN, now Children’s Home Society/Lutheran Social Services (CHSLSS), in trying to access information about her own adoption history over 10 years ago was sadly an accurate portrayal common to many aodptees’ ongoing experiences with post-adoption services and support via adoption agencies. The author also gives us a glimpse into her family’s life and experience in Korea, and the circumstances at the time her Korean mother made the grueling decision that the author and her older sister were to be adopted and the lifelong impact of this decision for the author’s Korean and adoptive family.

Skimming some of the online reviews of this book, I found they ranged from supportive, to appreciative, to the not uncommon critique that embodies the “playing a victim, self-pitying, ungrateful adoptee”. Some of the critical comments were made by individuals who identified as either adoptees, adoptive parents, or family members who grew up with adopted siblings. While the author’s story and experience is important in its’ own right, and it is only one adoptee’s story, the reviews highlight the tenuous dance felt internally within adoptees and externally within adoptive families and the larger society between the ideas of “gratitude” for “being chosen/adopted/saved” and feeling of guilt/shame/confusion when adoptees also experience disenfranchised grief, ambiguous loss, anger, and sadness in response to the trauma inherent in the adoption experience.

There is an unspoken widely accepted belief that adoptees who feel anything but “gratitude” for being “chosen/adopted” are somehow “ungrateful, self-pitying, victims.” This false, yet dangerous narrative that is implicitly and explicitly told to adoptees from family, friends, peers, teachers, spiritual leaders, adoption agencies, post-adoption agencies, and media can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, guilt, anxiety, and depression. In truth, adoptees and humans in general can hold two opposing feelings at the same time and both are valid. An adoptee can feel love for their adoptive family and birth family without being it being an either or situation. An adoptee can feel sadness and appreciation for their adoption experience. An adoptee can feel anger and love for adoptive families and birth families. An adoptee can long to search for their birth family and know more about their story, and also love and appreciate their adoptive family. Refusing to allow adoptees, adoptive families, and birth families to have permission to feel whatever they are feeling, and be able to share their own personal stories is only leading to disconnection as individuals and families. Connection, sense of belonging, and validation are essential to our experiences as human beings and individuals part of the adoption community.

Check out Adapted Podcast

If you do a quick search for "adoption" related podcasts on your favorite podcast service, there are a number of ones that pop up by adoptive parents/families sharing their stories often featuring their adoption process and parenting stories. There are a few adoptee focused adoption podcasts. My goal this year is to try to check out the ones available, and see what may be useful for adoptees and families. Adapted Podcast is one that features Korean American adoptees' diverse stories about their adoptee experiences both at home and in Korea. Kaomi Goetz is journalist and a Korean American adoptee who presents a thoughtful space and opportunity for adoptees to share their truths, which are often tinged with pain, loss, isolation, along with experiences of empowerment and a reconciliation of both internal and external conflicts. Kamoi Goetz's podcast gives adoptees the platform to share with other adoptees, and hopefully families, another narrative of the adoption experience other than the often predominant adoptive parent narrative. 

One transracial/transcultural adoptee's search for culturally competent hairstylists...

Screen Shot 2018-06-27 at 7.24.25 PM.jpg

As many transracial/transcultural adoptees, and adoptive families to some degree, may have experienced at some point in their lives, finding a hair stylist who understands and appreciates your race and culture's unique hair needs can be challenging especially in smaller communities with limited diversity. For many individuals, regardless of color, finding a hair stylist you trust and understands you and your hair is important for a diverse number of reasons for individuals. And for many white individuals, especially in smaller communities or less diverse communities, the assumed and expected norm is that their hair stylist will also be white. For transracial/transcultural adoptees the assumed and expected norm for adolescent and adult adoptees is that their hair stylist will not necessarily be another person of color especially in smaller communities or less diverse communities. 

I remember growing up white hair stylists used to comment that they didn't know "how to work with my type of hair." Or my sister, who is also a Korean adoptee, would have perms growing up because it made her hair "easier" to work with. When I wanted to start experimenting with hair color, I more often than not came out with the "Asian orange hued" color that is a familiar site on many Asian and Asian Americans and was told by a number of stylists that they just don't know how to dye such thick, coarse, black hair. As adolescents, we are already self-conscious about our appearance, image, style, and our hair is initially one of the most noticeable things about a person. 

It wasn't until I graduated college, and moved to Los Angeles, that I worked with my first Asian hair stylist. She was Japanese and worked in an all Japanese salon. I had never felt so understood, both personally and on a strictly hair level, before that it was hard to realize that this was something that was the norm for some people. I worked with her for about 8 years. She was actually one of the people I miss the most from my time in LA. She was the first to understand what "Asian orange" meant when trying to explain what I didn't want my hair color to look like. She showed me that "coarse, thick, black hair" can be colored in so many different ways to create colors and looks that were unimaginable for most of my life because up until that point I was given the message that my black hair was not "normal" from the white stylists I had experienced prior. 

When I relocated back to Minnesota, one of the first things on my to-do list was to find an Asian or Asian American hair stylist that I could work with again. The search was not easy, even in the Twin Cities area. I searched online, looked at salon bios, trying to find the elusive expert. And after several months, I finally found this go-to person and expert. And ironically it turns out she is also an adoptee. 

I think it is important for transracial/transcultural adoptees and adoptive families to have culturally competent resources in their community to meet their needs whether it be post-adoption services, therapy, or hair and beauty.  I encourage transracial/transcultural adoptees/adoptive families in the Twin Cities area who are looking or have been looking for a culturally competent hair expert to check out:

LC Hair Artistry in Edina, MN.  



Birthland Tours to Korea - BOOK NOW for 2018

It is the time of year when many agencies and organizations are hosting orientations and informational sessions about birthland tours to Korea. There are a variety of them, and I recently went on one myself this past summer. Based on my experience and talking to others, there are limited options of birthland tours to Korea for adoptees and adoptive families that really are competent to meet the diverse needs of Korean adoptees and families. I wrote a post about what to look for when searching for birthland tours  - please click here for this post. 

There is a new birthland tour to Korea for adoptees and adoptive families through AdopteeBridge This agency is founded and run by a Korean adoptee who has a decade of experience working in post-adoption services for adoptees and leading tours to Korea for adoptees and adoptive families. She works with another individual who has worked in post-adoption services for years, lead tours to Korea for years, lived in Korea for over a decade, and is fluent in Korean. This is a tour that is really focused on and sensitive to the adoptees and adoptive families experiences traveling back to Korea whether it be for the first time or 6th time. Birthland tours are not just "another travel tour group" to Korea. Birthand tours are traveling back to the story of adoptees' lives and their adoption journey. It requires individuals who have personal connections to Korea and Korean adoption to be able to support us and empower us as adoptees and adoptive families in our adventure back to some painful places and emotional spaces

Book Review: The Dance of Identities: Korean Adoptees and their journey toward empowerment by John D. Palmer

This book explores the multiple identities inherent of the transracial and transcultural adoptee experience. While the author focuses attention on the Korean adoptee experienced, and is transparent about identifying as a Korean adoptee, the topics around race, culture and identity formation can be applicable in other transracial/transcultural adoptee experiences other than the Korean adoptee experience.

Identity as individuals is multifaceted and complex. Identities have the power to build and divide communities, nations, and families. We identify ourselves by race, gender, sexual orientation, culture, country of origin, region of where we were raised, school identity, familial identity roles, socioeconomic status, political orientation, religious/spiritual identities, etc. And as adoptees, our identities within our families and our communities inform and impact all of our other identities. This is particularly relevant when we are adoptees who were adopted by families of other races and other cultures other than our family of origins.

How identity is approached, explored, and discussed within adoptive families can be an uncomfortable, and yet a powerfully healing experience for adoptees and adoptive families. An important way adoptive families can support and empower adoptees is by initiating these conversations about identity and making it part of the regular conversations as a family versus the approach “ we won’t talk about issues related to identity” until the adoptee “brings up the topic. Talking about the “dance of identities” adoptees face daily throughout their lives also requires adoptive families to examine their own privilege, views, and experiences related to race, racism, and culture.  Being able to discuss identity issues adoptees experience requires adoptive families to do their own work and education to be able to have meaningful discussions that are validating and empowering.

Mr. Palmer’s book validates many experiences transracial/transcultural adoptees experience related to identity, provides a well-informed narrative that may help adoptive families understand the Korean adoptee experience, and is place to help families have a place to start to have these difficult conversations.